Through Doubt & Despair Life Grows A Sparkly Smile
Last week was hard, in fact it was the first time since starting this challenge where I could have easily reached for the bottle on a number of occasions. I can’t put my finger on why exactly but I felt heavy hearted and emotional. I wasn’t sleeping properly and my energy felt sporadic and edgy. I’m going to blame the moon, as it was a super one and it has been known to send me a bit loopy in the past; in the past I’d have self medicated with a glass of Malbec to smooth the edges, wrapping me in a warm familiar hug which would have made me feel like it was all going to be alright.
I have felt a strange ‘out of body’ experience lately when speaking to people in social situations. When people are too close to me I have found myself extremely conscious of everything I’m saying, almost tripping up on my words. Last week it reached a new level, I went to an event well prepared with my AF Beer, but nothing could prepare me for feeling like I was going to pass out! I felt a pressure on my chest, hands sweating and felt like my vision was going blurry as each person came to speak to me (almost ‘peep show’ like - weird I know). It was after this event that the penny dropped; I have been masking social anxiety this whole time, with a little help from my friend Malbec, holding my hand during an evening and melting the nervous energy away. For someone who considers themselves to be a confident, bubbly, smiley, engaging person it is the strangest feeling to be so aware of yourself to the point of becoming a nervous wreck.
Knowing that I had my first big night ‘out out’ approaching at the end of the week was also not helping my anxiety. I was close to cancelling going out, but knew that I had to face my fear at some point. I can’t become a hermit crab and change who I am completely, I just need to learn to be more comfortable without my magical alcohol cloak on to protect me.
A couple of weeks a go a very special lady (and stranger at the time really) who has been AF for 3 years reached out to me to congratulate me on what I was doing, explaining that from her experience it was not easy doing what I’m doing. She said that if I was ever having a bad day then I could give her a shout for support. Luckily for me I had a coffee with her scheduled into my diary for the Friday. It felt so good to speak with someone about how I was feeling, someone who wasn’t shocked by what I was doing, someone who listened to my story and identified with it and who is pleased and relieved that she gave up, 3 years on. This same amazing lady went out of her way on Saturday night to send me a message of support, which really helped.
I treated myself, knowing how much money I would be saving on the night by getting pampered beforehand. I had my hair chopped and coloured by the very talented Dom at Le Salon, nails done to go with my dress by Kim at Beauty in the Bay and my make up by one of my best friends Kiwi at Urban Rose. When I arrived to get my make up done I was noticeably panicked. I think Kiwi was worried that I’d drive back home and not make the night out!
My best friend Lauren had booked dinner at the Yacht so that I could enjoy food and catching up with people first before the madness began. I am so pleased that she did this. I enjoyed a lovely virgin Mojito with my scallops and tried to stop worrying about the night ahead. I had lots of lovely compliments about my sparkly dress and I felt like I could take on the night AF.
You will not believe what I tell you next, but this can be vouched for by Craig who was warming up for the DJ, but I was the first on the dance floor. I was enjoying the music so much that I wanted to dance! I have always been one to show my support to the DJ’s before the big act as you don’t always have a full crowd to perform to and being married to a part time DJ, I know and appreciate how much work goes into that one set, but even I was shocked that I was up there dancing without a beer jacket on and without a group around me to disappear behind.
I danced for 5 hours to Mr Morillo. The music was great, everyone had made an effort and looked glam and it was nice to see people that I’d not seen in a long time. I received lots of encouragement and smiles about what I was doing, a couple of people questioned what I was drinking, taking a sip to ensure that I wasn’t cheating. I did a back door boogie to my room at 1.30, feeling like i’d had a great night. I missed my husband’s set, but that was at silly o’clock in the morning, so I wasn’t expected to last until then.
Sunday morning we enjoyed our cooked breakfast at the Yacht (which we would usually skip) and instead of feeling hideous on the sofa for the rest of the day, we spent it sunning ourselves outside, followed by lots of cuddles with my gorgeous little nephew, ending the night with a thai takeaway. It was so nice not to have the fear after such a big night out. I would usually take a Monday off work as holiday to get over a 2 day hangover feeling hideous...what a waste of a days holiday! This morning I walked to work with a bounce in my step, ready to take on the week. What a difference :-)